Thursday, May 17, 2012

Mono Memoirs: Day 3

Mono Memoirs
I have 'mono'
I shall blog.

Day 3

So having mono I have a lot of time on my hands. I can't sleep all the time. My body is starting to get tired of being in my bed. I cannot read, my brain is not lucrative enough to focus for long periods of time. I do not want to watch lots of movies... I have seen all my movies. So what do I do? Lay in bed and think.

Wanna know something I realized about myself? Well if you do not, then you do not have to keep reading this. But if you are interested, I am now inviting you into my psyche.

I DO NOT ask for help well. The only person I will straight out ask for help is my mother. Anyone else, I feel I am putting them out. Especially if I know that it will be inconvenient for them to do it, I do not say a thing. So then what happens? I am sad. Because I really do need something but I build myself up as this totally self sufficient capable person, when in reality, in some instances I have collapsed and need help being picked up. 

And then someone asks "What can I do for you?" I reply, "Nothing." Which is a total lie. But I know that what I need cannot be provided. So do you say what you need knowing that your need cannot be met? Or do you just keep it in and maintain a false persona of independence and strength?

Turns out I ended up admitting defeat and telling this person what I needed. Very aware that I would not be able to receive what I wanted. But still I thought, you know, I do need something and if it were me I would want to know I was needed. 
And maybe it is time that I let someone else be needed. I guess it is just pretty frightening to need someone. Makes us a bit vulnerable does it not? Especially if we are not sure if that person wants to be needed... Well here is be being vulnerable I guess. Because I have said what I have said and there is no taking that back. 

Having mono is great!(insert sarcasm) 


Life Is What We Make It! said...
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Life Is What We Make It! said...

This is where your friends (who live closer) should read that talk from conference (can't remember who gave it) about doing instead of offering. That talk taught me a lot. I like both people you wrote about. I don't accept help, and I usually say 'what can i do to help?' That's why that talk was JUST for me! Hope you feel better soon.

P.S. Stop kissing all those boys. I know you're looking for you prince, but you don't have to kiss ALL of them. ;)