Oh... Hi!

So... I was just going to post something but then I saw that people still read this so I got hesitant... So for now I'll just say hello. How are you blog world? Seems like it's changed a lot since we last spent time together. No offense but I've found my social media outlet from Instagram.... Oh, you know Instagram? Oh... You two don't really get along? Hmm... I can see that. Well don't take it personally, even though you're s far more personal social media, still, it's not you, it's us. We're all hyped up on instant gratification and getting things quickly... Like this post. I bet since it's longer than two sentences everyone stopped reading it. And tonight I really just needed to get some things off my chest and didn't know who to whine too... I'm sure you don't want to be used for that. Do you?

Well, maybe I'll come around a bit more... I can't really make any promises are firm commitment. But maybe... I'll do my best.

So uh... Goodnight blog. Sleep well.

Too much to work on...

I've got too much to work on...

Educationally

Professionally

Personally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Socially

And any other 'ally' you can think of.


However, I will share this.
On Monday evening for our ward Christmas party, Kenneth Cope came and performed a lovely Christmas program. One thought he shared has stayed with me. He told us that we're all broken. That no matter what, we've all got things that need fixing. But it was when he(Kenneth Cope) realized that God still uses us in our broken stages, that he(Kenneth Cope) was able to have peace and progress in life.

This is something I'm trying to have faith in. That even though I fall short in so many areas of my life, God still wants to use me for his work. That I'm still of worth, though imperfect. I do not need to be perfect to be of use to my Father and Savior. He can use me in my imperfections. Most importantly he loves me. Regardless of how broken or imperfect that I am.

And here is the song that Kenneth Cope sang for us.

All that I have...

So I'm just happy today. I had just finished my scripture study on Alma chapter 8. A favorite of mine. I just admire Alma's ability to do such hard things. Sure we read how speedily he returned to the city of Ammonihah, but how easy would that have been? To go back into a city where you had been spit upon, reviled, and cast out of. I sure wouldn't want to go back. But after an angel appears to him and tells him his work is accepted of the Lord, he's asked to go back. And he goes speedily. What courage. What faith.

So I read and was pondering those things. When I received a phone call from a husband and wife I was able to meet in Dallas on my mission. They're my black mama and papa. My goodness their amazing. We are not members of the same church, but we are believers in the same God. They simply called to tell me happy thanksgiving. Just hearing their voices and chatting for a short time filled me with love for them that once consumed me while serving my mission. Suddenly I recalled all the many other people I got to meet while serving the Lord. My heart was full. I was then able to with clarity think upon all the many wonderful things I have in my life.

I wont proclaim that I was the best missionary ever. But I will say that I did my very best to love all the people I was privileged to come in contact with. That's all I really knew how to do well. And what I got in return was an outpouring of love.

I got of the phone with my mama and papa and just got tears to my eyes. I was filled with love. And thought, really what else matters in this world more than loving others? Is there anything else that is as lasting and fulfilling? I began to list all the things I have in my life. I'm truly blessed. We live in a country of peace. We don't have to worry about our safety from day to day as so many of God's children do. I have loving parents and family members. Wonderful friends. I've been blessed to receive an education. I find myself in a career that brings me so much joy and satisfaction. I have a healthy body that works and I get to do things that make me happy. I could go on... amid all those things I get to love others and feel love from others. I really see no greater blessing in life.

So this thanksgiving day I proclaim gratitude for the greatest blessing I think the Lord has giving me, the ability to feel love from others, and the desire to love others. I think that's why I love being a teacher. It doesn't take me long to care about each one of my students and wish the best for them. Gosh right now I just want to hug all those I love. I don't know how to better show my feelings than through time and affection.

Above all of that, I'm grateful for my relationship with my Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ. I'm not able to put in words how my heart longs to be near them. And how grateful I am that each day I'm able to work hard to get to know them better and become more like them. Father, my expressions of thanks are not sufficient for the gratitude I feel towards thee and they Son.

I pray that we all may be able to enjoy this holiday season with those we love. Not only to feel that love from them, but mostly to be able to show our love to them. In whatever way will communicate it best.

Thank you C.K.

"We can lift ourselves... when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude." - Pres. Monson

Dear C.K.,

Thank you.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for always believing in me.
Thank you for motivating me to set goals.
Thank you for supporting me in my standards.
Thank you for all the road trips.
Thank you for holding my hand in public.
Thank you for motivating me to be more active.
Thank you for the hours of hugs.
Thank you for wanting to help me with school work.
Thank you for being interested in my career.
Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for watching Disney movies with me.
Thank you for being supportive of my career.
Thank you for being patient.
Thank you for showing me what it feels like to be loved.
Thank you for being with me when I was sick.
Thank you for all the miles put on your car coming to and from my house.
Thank you for spending time with me doing nothing.
Thank you for giving me tips on how to wrestle more effectively.
Thank you for showing me what it's like to stop day dreaming.
Thank you for building my faith in Christ.
Thank you for helping me better understand the Atonement.
Thank you for showing me I can be better.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for showing me how good it is to be a team.
Thank you for communicating so openly with me.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for following the spirit.
Thank you for giving me the chance to prove to myself that no one can ruin me with God in his proper place.
Thank you.

Institute Insights

So this was from last week. I'm taking "Teachings of the Living Prophets" so we get to go over the most recent conference talks.

Last week we watched Pres. Uchtdorfs talk, "Of Regrets and Resolutions" But what stuck with me the most was how my teacher chose to preface the talk.

He told of a CES fireside given by Elder Holland back in 1999. It was broadcast to the entire church but live in attendance were the local CES employees. So my teacher, Robert Line, was in attendance. Bro. Line told how the fireside ended and they all got up to leave and suddenly over the speakers they hear Elder Hollands voice say, "Wait! I'm not done. I just had to finish because of the broadcast. But sit down. I still have more to say." I love Elder Holland.

Elder Holland then counseled these CES teachers on the "6 Top Priorities in Your Life." So I'm going to share them with you now.

1. Physical and Spiritual Self
2. Spouse
3. Children
4. Calling
5. Career
6. Civic duties

We then talked about how important it is to keep these priorities in line.

Immediately I noticed that I needed to take better care of myself physically. I've been doing better and have set goals and have noticed a difference,  but this is something I'll need to continue to do the rest of my life. Bro. Line told us that Elder Holland continued to explain that #1 was really just putting God First in our lives. That with God in the proper place all the other priorities will be able to be taken care of. And to not let one over power the other. That physical and spiritual needs are equally important.

One girl raised her hand and said "Um, where are friends on that list? I'm single and friends are really important to me." My teacher went on to say that maybe they fell in line around 3 or 4. I disagreed. I raised my hand, not to be confrontational, but I felt like if friends needed to be up there Elder Holland would have added them. So I said 'No. I think it's exactly how it should be. How often do we, as singles, replace friends with #2. It's a whole lot easier to just priorities our friends than find a spouse.' There was no argument.

But this could go with anything. How easy it is to mix up these priorities. I'm guilty of it. I reflected and recognized times that I haven't put the Lord first and my relationship with him, and I've suffered. Not only spiritually, but physically as well. And then all my other 'priorities' took a beating too.

So with that teaching in mind we listened to Elder Uchtdorfs talk.  What I remember most about his talk is the counsel to "find happiness". I remember envisioning this mass of happiness that was just out there. Something tangible, waiting to be grasped. All we need to do is find it.

Along with that, I was talking to a friend on Sunday. We had been having a very personal conversation, he mentioned that he missed the sunshine and that always makes him gloomy. I said something like "Oh yeah! Seasonal depression is a pain. But some of us get to deal with it year round." He looked at me puzzled. I smiled. Then he said "So... " I said, "Yes. I suffer from depression. I have for years." My friend: "Well, then can I ask you something? If that is the case, why is it that you always seem so positive all the time? Because, it doesn't seem like you'd be someone who deals with that."

I told him that I've learned to recognize it for what it is. A space of time that causes me to lose all desires to do anything. I acknowledge it, accept it, and keep doing what needs to be done. I remind myself that it's not permanent. That the things I feel and think are not truth. I told him that I've learned to recognize the difference between what is truth and what are the lies Satan is trying to feed me. I told him that I may have depression, but I don't have to be depressed. That I believe all things can be healed through the Atonement.

But I think a main reason that I'm able to preserver through this physical/mental abnormality is that I do my very best to put God first in my life. He is my strength and motivation. I don't want to ever think that I don't need him there. Nothing frightens me more than when I think "I don't need to pray today." Or "I don't need to read my scriptures." Because who am I to not need the Lord that day?

Another institute teacher once taught this same idea that we needed Christ at the center of our lives, holding everything else up. Because if we put our spouse, family, job, or anything else there, those things may fail us. A spouse may die, or leave, family may choose to not stick around, or not come at all, you can lose a job, but Christ is and always will be the Savior. He will not let us down. Upon the rock of our redeemer we cannot fail.

I think this is a day by day thing. At least it seems like it will be for me. Each day  making decisions that put my priorities where they need to be. To be open to the spirit and following the counsel of my Father at what is best for me to be doing.

Daily Study Thoughts Sunday Nov 18

Well this is from yesterday. So maybe I'll just be a day behind.

I've added in reading talks from conference with my daily scripture reading. It's been amazing to see how the Lord is even in tune enough with me to lead me to the talk  I need most that day. I do not read in any order. Instead when I'm praying before my study, I tell the Lord what I will be reading in the scriptures, and then I say "Then I'll read a conference talk from..." And then the first session that comes to mind is the one I choose. I then look through the talks and one usually stands out. I've done this in the past and a specific name has come to mind. So I read that. Every time there is an important lesson for me to learn. I'm humbled by the countless things I need to work on. But thankful that the Lord is patient with me and I know he will teach me little by little.

So yesterday I read Elder Scott D. Whiting's talk "Temple Standard". He spoke of the time he was the coordinator for the Laie Hawaii temple re-dedication open house.(I've been to that temple. Happy 23rd birthday to me!) He gave stories of two instances where the inspector of the building finding grit on the walls and a small 2 inch piece of glass out of place. Then when going through the temple again to only see that wall paper covered the wall and a plant stood in front of the glass window.

I then thought about me as a temple. As we're told we are. 1 Cor 3:16-17,19. I thought of all the grit and two inch piece of glass that exist within me. How the smallest things are important to the temple of the Lord. So the smallest things that need adjusting in my life are too of great importance to the Lord.

I continued to reflect and thought of how careful I must be to not allow grit on my walls, and two inch piece of glass to be out of place. And not in the sense that I have to be perfect, but how often I invite grit onto my walls, and glass to be out of place. How often I justify it being okay to be there. How easy it is to bring it in and allow it to stay. But how much easier it would be to just not let it in at all. To refrain from creating these circumstances in the first place.

There are so many different forms of grit. The older I get the more I learn about the ones I have on my walls to get rid of. I was faced today with a slap in the face, (I shall write about tomorrow). I'm uncertain as to how I am to fully get this grit removed from my walls. It's so much a part of the decoration of my temple that it almost seems improbable that it can be removed. But I have faith that with God all things are possible. I have faith that Christ can help change me. Bring about the power of repentance and build me into the temple he knows I can be. Even if I doubt at times that it can be done, I must have faith in him. Not me. Not someone else. But him. My Savior. And him alone. He will not fail me.

I recently renewed my temple recommend. I love this process. I wish it could happen more than every two years. I find strength and power come unto me when I am able to answer those important questions. I feel it's almost a process for me as well as the judge in Israel to know of my worthiness. Then being able to be in my Fathers house, close to him... that's were I hope to always be. Close to him. So though I may have grit on my walls, or a scratch on my floors, and I anticipate it will take much work to remove them, I also know that these are not things that keep me from the love of my Father. Nothing can keep me from that. Except myself. His love is unconditional. Meaning, even with grit, or scratches, or mud, or breaks, or missing pieces, he does and will love me. And when I'm ready to fix those blemishes He is more than willing to help me and teach me the process. This I know to be true.